


Why Won't My Hands Stop Shaking? (When All The Earth Is Still)

by argle-bargle (RedGayBlueGay)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depression, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, No Dialogue, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, consider it a vent because i wrote it after a post breakdown shower at one in the morning, give steven a break 2k20, he's just exhausted, i guess?, i think? it's more or less just based off personal experiences tbh, it's...a littol sad, just briefly but still, love how thats a tag lmao, mentions vomit so be careful y'all, not necessarily a happy ending but more uplifting? hopeful? idk it's just a single sentence lmao, title from a musical, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24147061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedGayBlueGay/pseuds/argle-bargle
Summary: "He didn’t remember what warm water felt like until now."Or: Showers at one in the morning have a different sort of energy to them.
Relationships: None
Kudos: 45





	Why Won't My Hands Stop Shaking? (When All The Earth Is Still)

**Author's Note:**

> howdy! my other fics have been more fluffy compared to this one tbh! well it's based off some recent events in my own life because quarantine is a bitch and my mental health has been declining like a kiddie coaster :)
> 
> anyway!! this was created solely to vent and project onto steven because i've always related to him the most (specifically his "help everyone before yourself" mentality) 
> 
> if you're uncomfortable with implied mental health issues and a brief mention of vomit, i'd click out of here. other than that i can't think of any possible triggers??  
> other than that: enjoy!! take care of yourselves, the world is a rough place right now. know that you matter <3

It’s been two weeks since his full mental breakdown. 

It’s been two weeks since he last _showered_. He knows, it’s gross. He feels gross. Nightmares plague him, leaving teary eyes, shuddering sobs, and clammy sweat clinging to him. That is, on nights he can muster the courage to sleep. 

On most nights, he’s wide awake, anxiety clawing its way up his throat, choking him in panicked shivers, silent tears streaming down a pale face. When he looks in the mirror, he sees the eyes of a broken kid who has too much on his plate. He doesn’t see the brightness his family does. Er... _did_.

Stars no longer shine in his eyes. He finds it difficult to fake a smile, to force down a bowl of cereal without puking it back up. Guilt seizes him when there’s moments he _laughs_. Anguish chokes him every time he smiles.

His clock reads 1:11 when he finally musters enough energy to stumble out of bed, tread down the stairs on soft, light feet, and reach his bathroom. Before he enters, he shoots a glance to the temple door. It’s quiet. 

The light flickers on with a soft click. In the mirror, red-rimmed eyes stare back at him. He looks away from the mirror as he sheds his clothing and turns on the water with a soft creak. With a shuddering breath, he closes the shower curtain. Near instant warmth. Warm water streams through his rose-like curls ( _notHernotHernotHer_ ). 

He stifles a pathetic, weak chuckle. He didn’t remember what warm water felt like until now. He forgot how soothing it was on aching muscles he didn’t realize were an issue until now. His eyes slip shut, ever-so-slightly. The two weeks of little sleep, faked grins, and empty promises are finally catching up to him. 

He lightly massages his scalp as he scrubs in the shampoo. The rich, not quite flowery scent tickling his nose. 

The sweet scent of his face wash floods his senses, sending a small, closed-lips smile to his mouth. 

The handle makes a soft creaking noise as he shuts it off. The warmth of the shower remains, clinging to his skin. He steps out of the shower, wraps his towel around his waist, and looks into the mirror. The same exhausted eyes stare back, but there’s a lightness to them. There’s a lightness to his face. 

An empty feeling churns his stomach, as he stares. His hands begin to tremble, his face scrunches up to refrain from crying. He’s done enough of that. 

However, his brain doesn’t want to listen to his body, so tears stream down his cheeks anyway. He wipes at his eyes the best he can, before making a silent promise to retrieve his moisturizer once he’s finished crying. He holds onto his towel, tears still crawling down his cheeks and dripping to the floor. 

It’s a silent cry. No sobs. Just tears and a full-bodied tremble. He’s relieved about the lack of sobs. He can handle tears. He dresses quickly, and silently lays onto his bed, staring at the glow in the dark stars decorating his ceiling. A part of him wants to laugh at the irony. He’s been among the stars—far too many times, and a bundle of trauma following his journey—and yet he still has the dumb stickers from his childhood. 

A bittersweet smile spreads across his lips. When his tears have finally dried, he returns to the bathroom to apply the moisturizer. His face is blotchy and red, but the color has at least returned. 

Just as silently as before, he returns to his bed. He curls up, blanket covering him, and closes his eyes. 

For the first time in weeks, Steven Universe sleeps peacefully, uninterrupted. 

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/argle-bargles)!!
> 
> i'm currently taking requests for fics!! it can either be just steven universe or the summer job au (which is steven universe meets gravity falls, it's really cute!!)


End file.
